mirrors on the ceiling

2 months ago. tomorrow.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:34:34 GMT

Coming back to find my bed the exact way I left it that morning, every crinkle, every fold, every pillow exactly how I left it... back when I didnt know. I woke up that morning feeling such a void. I knew something was up but it wasnt until I got off the sleeping porch and into my room to my cell phone, where I had 9 missed calls. All from Jim. Then I called my mom, my sister, and my dad.... no answer. Finally I called Jim back... bingo. Coming home was no longer an option. I slumped down against kelly & I's bureau... and Elyse came and held me as I bawled...I still didnt know what was really up. Nobody would answer their phones, or return my texts, no one. So i booked a ticket home... a one way ticket. All three of my roommates drove me to the airport, wiped my tears and hugged me goodbye. I still didnt know.
I landed in LA, turned my phone on and all of a sudden I had 9 million facebook notifications, "Im so sorry about your brother, he was a great guy, we all loved him, and he will be missed greatly"...basically 9 million of those. So i texted my sister "is he dead?" .... no response. Finally Jim was there to pick me up... just Jim.. not my mom, or my dad. Weird. The whole car ride home I asked questions and Jim answered them so vaguely... like what sorority girls do during recruitment when the PNM's as "so do you guys vote on us?".. and we promptly respond.."its a mutual selection" (my ass. we vote on you, on your outfit, on your appearance, teeth, hair, everything.)
As soon as I got home I knew. "Em sit down" I cursed at my mom and told her I didnt want to sit down. "Colin is no longer with us" ... she finally said. THey wanted to hug me and all i wanted to do was run away. I climbed the hill outside my bedroom window... a hill my brother and I used to tobogan down and ruin my moms plants. I climbed to the top and call my best friend..."Jessie, hes dead, hes dead hes dead" I screamed and bursted out crying... then she started crying. Jim, My mom, My sister kept coming out to check on me... and i kept yelling at them that I wanted to be alone.... shortly after that I learned that Smitty was still home for a few hours before heading back to NY for school.... I couldnt have been more relieved. After calling everyone in my phone book to tell them the news (because I didnt want them to find out through facebook or myspace like I did) I drove to her house... crying. When I got there I layed in her bed, crying, laughing, telling her all the stories I had that involved me and my brother. When it was time for her to head to LAX I went home. Sat down with my mom, and asked how. where. ect. I think i was in shock still.
The next few days seem like a blur. So many family and friends in town. My girls from high school flew home from colleges all across the country... to be there for me, and for my brother, and for my family. Friends from home came over, took me out, attempted to get my mind of things. But it wasnt possible. Rosie and I went to frozen yogurt the Friday before the service .... and even at Menchi's...a group of boys walks in and one of them says " So are you going to the funeral tomorrow?" then I see the front of the brown sweatshirt... crespi boys.
I cant believe its going to be two months. Only two months... it feels like its been an eternity. I cant even believe it.

blue

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:10:11 GMT

I just started screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one paid attention. I saw my brother. I wanted to hug him...it wasnt him.

Burrying him tomorrow.......

what a life to take, what a bond to break, ill be missing you.

my angel, what will i do without you.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:47:01 GMT

Its weird to walk into somewhere, and have kids in high school sweatshirts kind of pause as they look at you, and then whisper in their friends ear. My immediate reaction is still "Oh my god is my zipper undone? Do i have something on my shirt? Can you see my butt?"
But then I remember, I remember standing up on that stage at the podium, and reading my Eulogy to my 18 year old brother. Barely making it through. Crying in front of 500 people. But staying strong. Keeping my family strong by telling them his strength is with us. People want to know when Im going to break. They watch me closely and push my buttons, waiting for the strong one, the positive one, the one who keeps everyone else's standing, to break. Ive seen and touched his cold dead body. Im not going to break. I've kissed his freezing cold forehead and hugged his lifeless shell. Im not going to break. I've sat on the couch with his ashes, watching TV with his urn next to me. Ive got a million of his sweatshirts that I kept but never wear.
This is what he wanted, so why drive yourself crazy with the why. He's at peace now, and as he told the medium he wants us all to know that he was NOT miserable. He's excited to be out of his body. and He can do more for us there, then he could here.
Still there's nights like tonight, when I wake up missing him so bad, that I wish he'd just walk into my room and come stand at my bed side. Or I long to hear his laugh and see his smile light up his whole face. Or hear him make fun of me for getting good grades, or protect me from a certain boy who he hated.
Hes all around me. I know that. Certain times of the day I can feel him in the sunshine. Everytime I look at a sunset, I have to appriciate its beauty, something you loved and valued.
I see my best friends interact with their siblings, and I want my little one, my baby brother to be goofy with, and drag me to pink berry at 11 pm, and come to pick me up from when I get myself into bad situations. I want to hear the buzz of his subs bump up the hill, and then him walk into the house with a "Helllllooooooooooooooo!?" as if we couldnt hear him coming for the past five minutes. I want his hugs, his love, I want my little brother who always acted like he was my big brother, trying to protect me from everything.
I cant be selfish though, He needed this, it was his choice, he was ready to go. I know that he will always be with me. For the rest of my life, everyday I will think,dream, talk, love and look up to him. My precious little one.

gooddays/baddays

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:32:44 GMT

"How are you feeling?". A question Im still not sure how to anwser. Well right now, Im okay. But 1 hour, 30 minutes, 15 seconds from now... I could be an absolute mess. I go up and down.

Last night, My girls tried to get me out... get my mind off things. Theyre solution was 3rd row tickets to the Spice Girls. It was the most amazing concert Ive ever been to in my life. But even then, there was a point where I got sick to my stomach and started bawling. People try to understand, but they cant. Unless theyve lost someone theyve loved as much as I loved him, my baby brother. Theres a fine line between Empathy and Sympathy.

Little things help me make it through the day. Like Rosie's constant text messages. I get one every morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to bed... and seriously I wouldnt be able to get outta bed in the morning without them. And Jaq's suprises..Yesterday, I woke up to the doorbell ringing 9 million times.... when I opend it there was a man standing there with 2 dozen SPRINKLES cupcakes.fabulous.

Im just trying to keep myself busy. Stay positive. and love life.

i look to you with utter disgust, i need to get it outta my system.

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 08:25:16 GMT

There isnt a day that goes by that I wish you would have never entered my brothers life. You dragged him through the dirt with you and all you can say now is "lets toke in his honor". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. But you have no honor of your own to ruin, so why not use his right? I wish you had an idea of how bad he tried to stay away from you once he got back from Shortridge. I really wish you knew. You were the person he went to when everyone else was busy. You, and your drugs. Cause that is really ALL you are, without drugs you are nothing. Just a disgusting excuse of a human being. A high school drop out. A nobody. I wish you could hear my father crying at night, see my mothers grief, or my sisters agony. My family is at a loss and so is the world. And now you've lost your smoking buddy, and I lost my brother and my best friend. The nerve of you... to bring the dealer to his funeral, and to wear such casual attire to such a somber event. I dont even know. All I know is that if you come close to any of my family members or the Campbell Hall community theres going to be problems. I dont think ever in my life Ive actually had the heart to hate someone, but now, a feeling of disgust so strong, this has to be hate. Not that Im going to spend my time dwelling on my hate for you, because your not worth it. Your life is not worth half of what his was.
Instead, Ill spend my time doing things to help others. Volunteering at Teen Line, planning a bonfire in my brothers honor, staying connected with my brothers true friends, and living my life without drugs... something that you will never experience.

i carry your heart.

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 14:53:54 GMT

I cant sleep. But can you blame me? The vision of visiting my brother at the mortuary on friday is implanted in my head tonight. Holding his cold, dead body. Kissing his forhead over and over and over. Running my fingers through his hair like I did when we were children and he couldnt sleep, only he was sleeping now, forever.

I feel foolish for crying so hard in weeks past, those problems that I thought were so BIG, are now only tiny grains of sand compared to the giant hill I have standing infront of me. My brother is dead. My first memory ever in life is sitting in my moms bed with her, and placing my hands on her belly that was so big, and asking her
"Mommy, whats in your belly?"
" We still dont know yet, Emmy"
" Can we call it Tricky?"
My little mystery sibling, who was sonogram shy. I anxiously awaited trickys arrival. My little one, from that day on, I always had someone to keep me company. For the first few years of our lives we did everything together, and I absolutely loved it with all my heart. Being a good big sister meant the world to me, because as usual I needed to be the best.
Tonight as hundreds of people gathered at the church and at my house... I couldnt help but think as they were leaving that they get to go home to their brothers, younger and older, and I would once again return to a house filled with so many people, yet so extremely empty without him here. I wait up at night, thinking that hes going to come up the hill... music blaring.
This is a whole new kind of pain, a pain that pierces my heart, that throngs in my stomach, that pounds in my chest so rapidly. This is a pain that never leaves, its always here, even when Im asleep. Hes out of pain, I have his pain now. This is a pain that doesnt have an anwser, and leaves me so empty and hollow feeling. It keeps me so cold, that no matter how many blankets or jackets im wearing, i still feel the chill.
Im so extremely jealous of everyone who has a brother, because I no longer have mine. I will never see his cheeky smile or darling blue eyes, I will never hear his cackling laughter over inappropriate dinner conversation, Never again will I have him rescue me from uncomfortable situations, or have him get me out of a famliy function.
Every day seems to last a million years. I dont know how Im going to do this without him, Ive only lived 2 years of my whole life without him, and now that hes gone I just cant deal. Im the strong one in my family, and Im breaking. I cant do this without you Col. I just cant

crashing down......1 year

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 04:15:36 GMT

Why is it that i SO heavily associate dates with the mistakes ive made and bad things that have happend in my life? I remember every date, of every bad thing I have done, going all the way back to when I flooded my mothers jacuzzi when i was in 4th grade.

My world suddenly came crashing down a year. I had convinced myself that I hated the UofA, that i didnt belong here, that it was the WORST place on this earth for me. and Somehow, with persistent phone calls... i convinced dad to come to Arizona, pack up my dorm room, and bring me home mid-semester. He kept telling me that something didnt feel right, "Are you sure this is the right decision?" and my anwser was always an unsure "Yes." Something in my conscience was irking, but i chose to ignore it.
January 21, 2006.I was so excited that I was moving home. I had friends who were still in high school who were awaiting me with open arms when I got home. and A boy.. who i thought was this amazingly strong person, who had over come so many triumphs. I couldnt wait to get back to the ways things were over christmas break. Things never got back to that point though, my girl and guy friends from my graduating class had all returned to their schools, and were living their lives there.
January 26th, 2006. And we ended up in the emergency room, and as he went back for xrays, he handed his sidekick to me. Strike 3. I dont think I will ever forget that night, I held myself together through the whole ordeal. Even though I have never felt SO betrayed, so lied to, so little. 3 girls..1 guy. There was no question I had the texts, naked pictures and emails right in my hand. proof. cold hard evidence.
My girls, trying to find out what hospital we were at so they could come pick me up and get me the fuck out of there, and away from him. My mom wanting to come get me, but not knowing where I was. I didnt even know where I was, somewhere between the hockey rink and the ride in the ambulence, I missed the name of the hospital we were at.
I held it together, didnt shed a tear, and my girls... you are to thank for that. Texting, IMing, calling constantly. I wouldnt have made it outta that ER with my sanity if I didnt have the amazing friends I do <3.
I didnt care for excuses. There werent any. Someone I had respect for, someone I actually thought had changed, and had taken a second & third chance on. Someone who ended up being like a cancer that spread quickly through my entire body over the 4 weeks of christmas vaction, a cancer that got to my brain and made me think so negatively about somewhere i loved, a cancer that made me hate my best friend. a cancer that killed the outlook i had on life and spread a new one.
I didnt know. I didnt know. I DIDNT KNOW.
And when school started, I hated it. I hated not living on a campus, I hated not being challanged in the classroom, and being treated like I was in highschool. Where is the freedom I was given at University? Non-exsistent. And only afer I was excepted to the amazing University of Miami, and only after I had sent in my 500$ deposit, and agreed to go there, did I close my eyes. and stop going 90 miles on the freeway of life, and when i though about a college campus, I didnt see myself walking along the gorgeous lake that was in the middle of the UM campus. I saw myself walking down a grassy knoll that served as the center of the University of Arizona campus. I needed to go back. I wanted to go back. It was home, It is home.

I walked out of that house, thinking it would be the last time i would ever be there. The last time I would ever see him. And then before I knew it ...a few months had passed, and I gotten my revenge in the sweetest way possible. Then out of no where it was back to late nights and falling into old habits and whole summer had passed. Then I left for school and didnt look back, until I went home for a weekend.
That was the weekend I decided that everything was over, I had no physical or sexual attraction. No chemical dependancy on the happiness, because you no longer made ANY part of me "happy". And only then on that early November night, completely over everything. Something that started the summer before my senior year of high school, was finally over. I had won my battle with a person who is so ugly on the inside, someone whose intentions will never be pure, someone who is so completely fake, that he himself, is a whole new form of cancer.

Ive fought my battle, and I won. Ive got my scars that remind me of the good and bad. i do know that there is no taking steps backwards now. Only forward. And I steped forward with no hatred or disgust, or quest for the truth, only with sympathy for a person who I once loved.

Day by day, week by week, month by month, everything has gotten just that much better.

<3
My besties and my family. ... i couldnt have done it without you all. <3

2 years ago today.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 23:36:04 GMT

Nights of driving the streets of hollywood with mom and jim, calling my brothers cell phone over and over, trying to figure out where he was. Drunk? High? Hurt? ... Alive? I prayed that he would quit ignoring my calls and pick up, or text me.. some sort of acknoledgement that would let me know he was okay. I hated who he had become. I hated the people who helped him get there. I hated the choices he had made. I hated him.

two years ago today, i doubled over in the campbell hall library, crying and panicing. With my best friends at my side, trying to help me breath. Nothing helped. I coudldnt breathe. I didnt know what to say. I had so much anger towards my parents for not clueing me in on any of what was going on. I knew he was getting bad,he was hanging with the wrong crowd, people who dragged him down. As much as I hated my parents that day, that week, that month, that thanksgiving that we spent without him, and that christmas... I now can look back and see that it saved his life.

August 4th,2006. I stood at the microphone at his graduation, in tears as i started my speech, that i wrote as i found myself unable to sleep at 3 am in the hotel room in dover, new hampshire.I dont know if I was more excited that he was finally coming home, or if it was because I was so proud of the changes he had made in his life, so proud of the person he has become.
My sister stood by myside, as i barely held it together through my speech. As we stepped off the podium, i ran over to my brother, in his green and yellow cap and gown and threw my arms around him. Both of us, crying, all three of us crying. I never thought he would the person he is today. Attending crespi, driving!!!, and loving life without any kind of drugs involved. He struggles every day, as he watches his friends get shitfaced, and opts to go to dinner with mom or claire. He is strongest most amazing person I have ever met and I love him with all my heart. I cant even to explain how proud Claire and I are of him. <3 I love you Col! You continue to amaze me everyday!

goodnight los angeles

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 09:18:11 GMT

its finally here. the past few days passed by faster than i could ever imagine. in 4 hours im leaving for Arizona. for college. wow. i cant believe it....
summers over, and now im going off to college

to my bests, my girls... jesus christ as if me bawling as you all left tonight wasnt enough of a sign of my love for you. Thank you for showing me the best effing year of my life. thank you for being there for me when i was so sick, and supporting me through all the drama, and for telling me straight up that you didnt like the guys i was dating. thank you for your shoulders to cry on, thank you for holding my hair back as i let the alcohol get to me. thank you for countless nights of laughter. the beach trips, the parties, the nights on ventura, days of shopping, dinners at cpk, and of course the sleepovers (when we ended up at pauls house at 1 am?whaat!). thank you for not getting mad when i drunk dialed you at 2 am and woke you up. the laguna beach parties and all the manicure pedicures. thanks for always being a phone call or freeway exit away. thank you for letting me just be me. i love you guys so much, you are the bestest friends i have ever had an i am going to miss you dearly. i cant wait till the breaks where we can reunite... and maybe stir up trouble at a highschool football game or two. haha i love you guys sooo much. seriously. you guys are like my second family.

to my soon to be seniors (maggie, piera,sarah and nat)
you guys please soak up every single moment of senior year. i know college apps are stressful, but you'll get over it and everything will be amazing. go to every football and basketball game. enjoy every yearbook deadline(magz and nat) i know you have prolly heard this a bajillion times but before you know it... prom will be here, then grad nite, and baccaloreate, then you guys will be on stage at disneyhall...and we will be there applauding you. you guys are so caring and loving.. i love you guys so much and i am so excited to come home on weekends and visit you all. please please please feel free to call me when your stressing, or when mr fritz has a michelle kwan moment in class, or when chapel is boring, or when your shitfaced and need someone to drunk dial. i love you guys. so much. <3

peace out guys... im off to college.

birthday wishes

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 20:22:56 GMT

happy birthday to my teammate and best friend ever... jessica linn byron-fields.
i seriously love you with all my heart. you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. and of course the better teammate!!! HAPPY 18th birthday jessie!! LOVE YOU!!! heelpp is on the waaayyyyyy!! haha. partyyyy!!!

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 18:11:59 GMT

(me, rita coolige (moms client), and my mommie!)

happy birthday mom. i love you so much. thank you for all your support and guidance over the years! <3

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 21:03:22 GMT

=]
summer is just so fabulous. life couldnt be any better. its weird cause like really i have the best friends ever. from bingo to the beach to parties... ive just been having the best summer ever. even though LA isnt the same cause sarah is in effing africa..but she comes back august 3rd and im picking her up from the airport! and then shes coming to AZ to move me in<3 ive
been working with my two favorite kids ever... lucy and levi 3 days a week. amazing.

other than that ive been a complete shopaholic ... making sure i have more than enough clothing for college. and of course bedding, and dorm stuff and blah blah blah. kinda exciting.

one month from today i will be moving into myy new home...the lovely arizona/sonora dorm of the gorgeous University of Arizona! and... starting rush for alpha phi and pi phi. yeaahhh soroity life! haha.

my mommies birthday is wednesday... and then jessies 18th birthdayy is friday.. major party ness. oh and emilie is in the production Guys and Dolls at the Thousand Oaks Civic arts Plaza and we are all going to see the matinee tomorrow! PARRTTTYY. yeeesssssssssssss.

i misssyouuu sair!

wee like to party <3

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:47:44 GMT

party time<3

ewe dirty

i promise were not making fun of you.... yeaaaaaaaahhh

i loveee youu sarah beck. <3

graduation and partypartyparty

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 22:49:04 GMT

graduation was monday! it was fun and emotional. bus ride down to disney hall..sitting with ingrid. doing "the wave" backstage and dancing to the drum beat of the bagpipers with the bishop and mr bull. graduating at effing Disney Hall...is a memorable thing in itself. '05 we did it!!! i just want to thank all my family and friends who have supported me over the past four years and who came to my graduation<3 i love you all so much.

Since graduation its been party, party, party. Ryans party was so fun.. before we all went out to dinner. then back to allisons to get ready for 3290483 hours. FIRE MOVES.. and DELI MEAT!!! and i was feeding marty... and all of a sudden he ate the fucking rinestone off my nail! haha.. kissing and not biting. and of course DANCING. passing out in vons.. and losing my shoe?? hahaha .then sleeping at allisons... and like not shutting up... jessie you SLU...and i drive a oyoya. ICE CUBE..DAMMIT IT HAS NO T!!!! ohh you guys i love you. i took a million pictures... they are on myspace but i will post them here too...

she loves me even when we're shitfaced<3

so i love everyone pretty much. awhhh

mommie + jim are outa town... and im home alone... party time<3

LOVE YOU GUYS ALWAYS FOREVER

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 07:40:59 GMT

"Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears
You knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
tomorrow is our graduation. '05!!!

(sorry some of the pics were taken with my side kick so they arent the best <3)

pictures from gradnight.....

pictures from the last day of high school....

and the one pic that i have from baccoloreate<3

the most amazing graduation presents from sarah

and....

Emma 06.06.05, and on the back it says Love, Sarah thenn... inside...

two of my favorite pics of us<3
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SARAH!!!!

Rubber Duckie44: University of shman

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 00:37:38 GMT

SO theres this school and its kinda like in california and its called like

Cal State Fullerton

and uhmm i was just accepted. <<<33.
2 for 2 so far.

Ingrid, Mal, Emilie and I were all accepted. hotttttttt.

Rubber Duckie44: congratulations emma u have been accepted into the fall 2005 semester of the university of shman
Rubber Duckie44: our mascot of course being the macabezzies

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 22:57:55 GMT

jessie byron fields you just completely made my entire day
i miss you so much! i love you! plans when you get home for sure!!!

macabeezie reunion is reallllyyy needed. i miss you guys so much

schedule!!!

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 06:50:27 GMT

heres my shedule for my LAST year of high school.
comment if we have classes together.
xo.

A- yearbook
B- FREE
C- Marine Science
D- Adv. Math
E- Spanish IV
F- FREE
G- Senior Semniar(Movies w. conscience)
H- AP English Lit/ Comp w. SAUVE!!!!!

hotttnessss.

friends only <3

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 01:24:25 GMT

friends only<3

comment to be added.
add me. i'll add you back <3
much luv

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 06:22:42 GMT

i love you
<3